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If your bike gets mangled in a
car accident, you get a shiny new one for free.
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The only protection you have
to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helmet.
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Choosing a bike takes 30
minutes at the bike store, not six months hanging around singles
bars.
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You can ride a bike any day of
the month.
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Bikes don't get pregnant.
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You can upgrade your bike,
component by component, as you can afford it.
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If you get tired of the way
your bike looks, you can just paint it.
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You get detailed specifications, before you
buy.
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You can share your bike with
friends.
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Your bike doesn't come with
in-laws.
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You don't have to move into a
bigger apartment just to hang a bike from the wall.
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Bikes don't care how many
other bikes you have ridden.
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Bikes can't use your credit
card or crash your Porche.
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When riding, you and your bike
always come at the same time.
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You can spend as little money
on your bike as you feel like.
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Bikes don't blather on about
astrology in front of your buddies.
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If you don't make any
particular effort, it takes longer to come.
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You can show your buddies the
oversize tubing and high-end components without having to recite
the bike's name.
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The name is printed on the
frame in nice big letters in case you forget.
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Bikes don't whine unless
something is really wrong.
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You can impress your buddies
with the quality of your bike by letting them take it for test
ride.
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A bike stays lubricated for
two weeks.
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Bike curves never sag.
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If your bicycle goes flat you
can fix it in under a minute.
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If your bike is too loose you
can tighten it.
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You can drink beer and ride
your bike.
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A bike can't call you at work
or bother you after you discard it.
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You can make sure that nobody
will steal your bike simply by using a $45 contraption when it's
left on its own.
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If somebody does steals your
bike, the police put them in jail.
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If someone steals your bike,
you can get a better one the very next day.
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You won't have to buy two
passenger tickets to enjoy riding your bike on the Moon.
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You get money when you ditch
an old bike.
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If you say things to your bike
you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
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Bikes won't insult you if you
are a bad rider.
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Bikes don't care if you are late.
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Bikes don't care if you buy
Bicycle magazines.
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Bikes only gain weight if you
install better equipment.
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You don't have to take a
shower before riding your bike.
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There are bikes that are
designed to be ridden by two people at once.
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You can have a black bicycle
and bring it home to your parents.
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If you feel like standing up
and really cranking hard, your bike barely makes a peep.
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You can choose your bike from
a catalog.
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You can test ride every bike
in the store before you make your decision.
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People like you better if you
have rode far and frequently.
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You can adjust the riding
position in 1 mm increments until it's completely comfortable to
ride for days on end.
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There are public riding
competitions, and you can get sponsored to compete if your riding
is good enough.
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If your day job is to ride
different bikes all day long for money, people think it's cool.
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One word: training.
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If you get tired of your bike,
you can just dump it and get a shiny new 1999 model instead,
without getting sued to support the brake levers until they rust.
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You can ride a bike for three
years without feeling like you have to keep it until you die.
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You can always get to be the
first one to ever ride a given bike.
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You can ride your Bicycle the
first time you see it, without having to take it to dinner, see a
movie, or meet its mother.
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Even an old guy can buy a
shiny new bike, and the bike'll never know the difference.
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Any day that you feel perky
enough for some physical activity, you can be 100% sure you'll
perform.
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You can stop riding your
bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
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If you're riding your bike,
and you see a buddy and decide to stop for a chat, the bike will
be ready where you left off.
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You can have as many bikes at
once as you feel like.
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Bicycles don't get headaches.
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You don't have to deal with
little bikes suddenly appearing, and if they do, you can just dump
them in the recycling bin.
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If anything doesn't work the
way you want, you can get it fixed at the local bike shop for
$24.95.
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If you don't bother to
maintain your bike for three years, you just have to drop it off
at the bike shop with $24.95 to make everything better.
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You don't have to be jealous
of the guy who works on your bicycle.
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Your Bicycle never wants a
night out with the other bicycles.
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When in mixed company, you can
talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on
your Bicycle.
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Your parents won't remain in
touch with your old bicycle after you discard it.
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If you get a new bike you
don't have to keep sending money to the old one.
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You can tell at a glance if a
bike accepts male riders, female riders, or both.
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You can always spend more to
have the biggest equipment on the block.