Why bikes are better than women

  • If your bike gets mangled in a car accident, you get a shiny new one for free.

  • The only protection you have to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helmet.

  • Choosing a bike takes 30 minutes at the bike store, not six months hanging around singles bars.

  • You can ride a bike any day of the month.

  • Bikes don't get pregnant.

  • You can upgrade your bike, component by component, as you can afford it.

  • If you get tired of the way your bike looks, you can just paint it.

  • You get detailed specifications, before you buy.

  • You can share your bike with friends.

  • Your bike doesn't come with in-laws.

  • You don't have to move into a bigger apartment just to hang a bike from the wall.

  • Bikes don't care how many other bikes you have ridden.

  • Bikes can't use your credit card or crash your Porche.

  • When riding, you and your bike always come at the same time.

  • You can spend as little money on your bike as you feel like.

  • Bikes don't blather on about astrology in front of your buddies.

  • If you don't make any particular effort, it takes longer to come.

  • You can show your buddies the oversize tubing and high-end components without having to recite the bike's name.

  • The name is printed on the frame in nice big letters in case you forget.

  • Bikes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

  • You can impress your buddies with the quality of your bike by letting them take it for test ride.

  • A bike stays lubricated for two weeks.

  • Bike curves never sag.

  • If your bicycle goes flat you can fix it in under a minute.

  • If your bike is too loose you can tighten it.

  • You can drink beer and ride your bike.

  • A bike can't call you at work or bother you after you discard it.

  • You can make sure that nobody will steal your bike simply by using a $45 contraption when it's left on its own.

  • If somebody does steals your bike, the police put them in jail.

  • If someone steals your bike, you can get a better one the very next day.

  • You won't have to buy two passenger tickets to enjoy riding your bike on the Moon.

  • You get money when you ditch an old bike.

  • If you say things to your bike you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

  • Bikes won't insult you if you are a bad rider.

  • Bikes don't care if you are late.

  • Bikes don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

  • Bikes only gain weight if you install better equipment.

  • You don't have to take a shower before riding your bike.

  • There are bikes that are designed to be ridden by two people at once.

  • You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.

  • If you feel like standing up and really cranking hard, your bike barely makes a peep.

  • You can choose your bike from a catalog.

  • You can test ride every bike in the store before you make your decision.

  • People like you better if you have rode far and frequently.

  • You can adjust the riding position in 1 mm increments until it's completely comfortable to ride for days on end.

  • There are public riding competitions, and you can get sponsored to compete if your riding is good enough.

  • If your day job is to ride different bikes all day long for money, people think it's cool.

  • One word: training.

  • If you get tired of your bike, you can just dump it and get a shiny new 1999 model instead, without getting sued to support the brake levers until they rust.

  • You can ride a bike for three years without feeling like you have to keep it until you die.

  • You can always get to be the first one to ever ride a given bike.

  • You can ride your Bicycle the first time you see it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

  • Even an old guy can buy a shiny new bike, and the bike'll never know the difference.

  • Any day that you feel perky enough for some physical activity, you can be 100% sure you'll perform.

  • You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

  • If you're riding your bike, and you see a buddy and decide to stop for a chat, the bike will be ready where you left off.

  • You can have as many bikes at once as you feel like.

  • Bicycles don't get headaches.

  • You don't have to deal with little bikes suddenly appearing, and if they do, you can just dump them in the recycling bin.

  • If anything doesn't work the way you want, you can get it fixed at the local bike shop for $24.95.

  • If you don't bother to maintain your bike for three years, you just have to drop it off at the bike shop with $24.95 to make everything better.

  • You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.

  • Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other bicycles.

  • When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

  • Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you discard it.

  • If you get a new bike you don't have to keep sending money to the old one.

  • You can tell at a glance if a bike accepts male riders, female riders, or both.

  • You can always spend more to have the biggest equipment on the block.